Enjoy the Present
My son, Ryan, was diagnosed with Anaplastic Ependymoma, a malignant brain tumor, just over a year ago. Thinking about it still makes me want to go insane. Over and over, I kept questioning, “How could my son have cancer?” But looking at him now, you would never know that a tumor the size of an orange was removed from his brain in August of last year. Somehow, I managed to maintain my sanity through it all—or at least appeared to.
Ryan Bailey
While he was undergoing treatment, staying sane was easy for me. He was one of the lucky ones who didn’t have any difficulties with the radiation. We had to go to Boston for six weeks for his treatment, but he didn’t seem to mind because he had my husband and I there, and our parents came to visit about once a week. The place we stayed at offered us support, and we had great family and friends who made sure we knew they were backing us. It wasn’t until after treatment that the insanity hit me.
During treatment, you’re proactive. It feels like you are doing something to keep this beast away. But when that was over, I felt like we were just waiting for the cancer to return. I needed to do something, so I bought every book I could on the subject and read every article I could find online. I made it my mission to find out everything I could in case he had a recurrence.
Despite all my efforts, it was a quote in one of those annoying chain e-mails that really hit home for me, “You cannot change the past, but you can ruin the present, by worrying about the future.” I realized that I was immersing myself in this world of what ifs instead of enjoying what is. I have chosen to live my life by this. For now, my son is healthy, so I plan on enjoying him while he is. Whenever I get too wrapped up in worrying about what the future may bring, I remind myself that now is what’s important. People should enjoy this day because you’ll never know what tomorrow may bring. That is true for everyone, not just families whose children have cancer.
I must admit, around scan time that crazy feeling starts creeping back. I want to yell, pull my hair out, and throw things (sometimes I do). Any little complaint from my son sends my mind to the “it’s another tumor” zone. With each clean scan, there is a sense of relief, but it’s always followed by an unspeakable fear that the next one might be the one that shows new tumor growth. To ground myself again, I try to concentrate on the good. I hope and pray for the rest.
I do not know how my son’s future will turn out, but I hope it is full of love, happiness and a career as a tractor driver (since this is all he has ever wanted to be). However, if it brings something else, we will just have to face it as we did the first time. We have to hope it turns out just as well.
Worrying about the future will not change it, but I have control over the present. When I look back at these days, I want to be able to say that I enjoyed my children and the time we shared.
Ryan is four years old and was diagnosed with Anaplastic Ependymoma 13 days before his third birthday. On December 18th, 2010, he will be one year out of treatment. Visit his Caringbridge page.